Warning: Entering the sarcasm zone:
All the protestors are right. We should boycott Chick-fil-A.
When I first read that COO Dan Cathy was opposed to gay marriage, I burst into tears.
Why does the president of Chick-fil-A, one of the four icons of the
American food industry along with Wendy Thomas, Colonel Sanders, and
Ronald McDonald, think he has the right to have an opinion?
Especially
considering it is such a vile one that only about half of the American
population share.
Move over, chicken sandwich — Chick-fil-A has
invented a new meal. It’s the hate burger, and it comes with an extra
side of hate sauce.
Never mind the fact that only one major
presidential candidate has ever supported gay marriage, and that one
person, President Barack Obama, only took that stance recently. This is
different. The Cathy family has a billion times more influence over
public policy than any politician ever will.
After all, they are
such prolific lobbyists of Congress. If they start influencing our
legislators, the debate will be over and all hope for marriage equality
will be lost. All because you devoured that delicious 12-pack nugget
meal with succulent waffle fries, a large homemade lemonade and
Polynesian sauce.
Who knew someone could change the world by eating just one lunch?
Their
influence is extended even more by all those hateful, conservative
organizations and charities they donate to. The worst is that WinShape
Foundation that provides scholarships, foster homes and counseling.
Don’t
let its positive impact on the community fool you; it is all part of
the plan to brainwash Americans, build an army, reinstate the Crusades
and eliminate all those who do not do exactly as the Bible commands.
As
hard as it may be, do not be tempted to quit your boycott of the Evil
Chicken Empire, particularly by one of their minions. When a sexy
Chick-fil-A cashier looks you in the eye, licks his or her lips, and
says, “My pleasure,” in your ear, don’t cave in and order a limited-time
peach milkshake while you still can.
Remember the cause. Remember the miniscule impact you’re potentially but probably not making.
I
mean, it’s true that the thousands and thousands of people employed by
Chick-fil-A who may or may not agree with Cathy’s position would be out
of a job if it ceased to exist.
But that’s not a big deal. After all, the economy is doing great. They’ll be back on their feet in no time.
Personally,
Chick-fil-A won’t be hard for me to boycott. I’ve been changing the
world by boycotting things for years; I’ll just add them to my list of
products I don’t buy.
For example, I avoid items such as “Brawny”
paper towels, “Angel Soft” toilet paper, “Dixie” paper products as well
as numerous other name brands. These are all made by Georgia-Pacific,
which is owned by Koch Industries, which is owned by the Koch family,
which sometimes donates to tea-party affiliated organizations, which
sometimes protest gay marriage.
In fact, I’ve given up working
just so I can spend all day everyday in Kroger making sure every product
I buy with my food stamps doesn’t fund a penny to something I disagree
with.
Sticking it to the man, bro!
Point being, it doesn’t
matter what the debate is about, whether it be gay rights, abortion,
capital punishment or the best Nicholas Cage movie. Privately owned
companies have no right to form their own beliefs.
Because Chick-fil-A violated the 11th Commandment, “Thou shall have no personal opinions,” they deserve to be punished.
For now on, every day is Sunday.
— Jeremy Dailey is a second-year law student from Watkinsville with a degree in political science.
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